Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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