and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
