Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
