i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
