I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
