She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
only if we run a train.
done.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
