yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I want to be your penis for a week.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
