420 ftw
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
