Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
