Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Need sex. Gaining weight.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Randomize
