i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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