im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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