i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's never too late to be topless.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
