The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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