I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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