so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
