remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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