Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
