i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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