I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
