the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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