so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
