dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
