you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
