he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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