What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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