I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
