Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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