Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My Higher Power is John Stamos
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
