while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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