I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
