And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
