3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
