Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
