Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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