hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
