I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I licked your asshole in confidence.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
