he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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