Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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