Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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