You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
