I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
