how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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