my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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