I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
