I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
