Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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