I wish I only lived at night.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
