Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
