I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My vagina is very pro this idea
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
