Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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