I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
