Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
