he shaved USA in his pubs
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
